Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

My nickname in high school was “who?”

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

Ferrari squats

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

nothing saves money like being antisocial

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot