Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

When they try to steal your moment.

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?