Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

No. YOU-buprofen.

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh

I only look at Wordle for the articles

I feel attacked.

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?