Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

Krampus.

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.