Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
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FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.