Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”