Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

doing your own taxes

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”