you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
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He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it