harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
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Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.