Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
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I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
So that’s what we looked like?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed