On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
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If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here