My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
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Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Boom, boom, ching!
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
oh my gosh!!
This is a sub tweet
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube