Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

Nigella has gone too far this time.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

FRED: right

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.