Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

😆

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]