Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

Just grow your own

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

I have obtained a hat

that wasn’t the question

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy