Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

What a kind woman! 😂😂

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody