Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

I missed you with all my darts

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*