Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.