Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*