“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
*jingles half the way*
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I stand by it
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”