Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.