my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
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“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I put the mess in domestic.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”