Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

Liquor Store Parking

A bold strategy

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall