me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
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The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My dad.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken