Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
watergate? u mean a dam??
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
