Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.