Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
You Might Also Like
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Yup.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.