Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate