Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.