My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
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It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
getting old is fun
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.