me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
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Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My humor is broken
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia