Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

“so what brings you to therapy today?”