I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!