Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
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there’s music for literally every activity
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Who.
Did.
This?
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
that colleague who touches your screen
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy