Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
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ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Duolingo getting serious.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.