Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point