Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
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How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport