Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
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[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space