My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover