Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats