We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
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Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Labreador
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.