How did the first person to read learn how to read?
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Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
scrabbled eggs
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot