The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
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To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Lmbo
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?