Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
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Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?