Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.