“The Perfect Relationship”
You Might Also Like
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT