Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

I hope it’s French Onion!

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

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