I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
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St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?