Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

☠️ ☠️

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

is there nothing we can trust anymore