Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

This 4th of July, please remember…

ㅤ

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

Yup

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today