Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.